Special powers include: breaking hearts.
Special powers include: breaking hearts.
So similar, but SO different.
Midway through cooking tea, Zac woke up and started grumbling, so I let him grumble for 5 minutes while I finished up. A few minutes in I hear raspberry noises, followed by giggles. In the room I found Max laying in bed with his brother giving him raspberries on his belly. 😍
Downside: I didn’t have my phone so didn’t get a video and now Zac is wiiiiide awake haha.
I think that’s about all I can emote right now.
I just need to open up. I need to share this. This is probably going to make me look like the worst mother on the planet, but I need to get this out.
Today started good. The boys slept in, we had a pleasant morning and we went shopping. All was well.
But the second we got home, the second we stepped in the front door. It all just turned to shit.
Zac started his afternoon ritual of screaming if he wasn’t being held or given your full undivided attention. And Max always backs this up with acting out as much as possible because he wants/needs attention too.
Usually we would go outside, but it was so hot and humid, I couldn’t stand the thought. So we sat inside in the air con and I tried to do what I could to amuse the kids. I gave Max various things to keep him occupied, but they didn’t last. He wasn’t interested in anything unless I was invested in it too. But I was struggling with keeping Zac amused.
Cue Max trying as hard as possible to hurt his brother. Poor Zac copped so many blows today from his brother, and every time Max would get a kick or a pinch or a bite in, he would shoot me this wicked grin while I comforted his screaming brother. I could feel my blood boiling. I had the air con on, but I running hot.
The last straw was when I had just settled Zac, he was feeding and drifting off into sleep. Max was sitting next to me, having quiet time on the iPad while I put Zac to sleep. He started to lovingly stroke his brothers head and I watched him with heart eyes, thinking about how wonderful it was to have these two beautiful souls in my life. Then Max grabbed as much of Zacs hair as he could and ripped it out.
Poor Zac. He was awake and screaming. I saw stars. I was so angry that I could barely form words as I just unleashed on Max. Yelling. He went in for a second handful, and I grabbed his arm so tight and I just shook it. I was still yelling. And it hit me.
I don’t think I’d said a single positive thing to Max all afternoon.
No Max. Don’t! Stop Max! Get down! No!! Max! MAX!!!
It felt like slow motion. My eyes locked with his and I saw the one thing I never ever wanted to see in the eyes of my child.
Fear. He was scared of me.
I broke. Completely. Great big heaving sobs, I wanted to vomit. I wanted to die.
My arm reached out and I grabbed my boy and hugged him close. He was crying, I was crying, Zac was still crying. It was a mess. It felt like forever that we just sat there and hugged. Zac settled eventually and after a few minutes Max looked up at me and said, “Mummy cry.”
Yes baby. Mummy cried. Every single bottled up emotion came out of me in one big ugly cry.
I had made my whole world afraid of me, even if only for a second. It was enough. I never want to hurt my children. I love them so much. I feel so much guilt right now that I’m choking on it. I’m still crying. I cried while we went for a walk this evening. I cried while I cooked dinner. I cried as I tucked Max into bed. I needed to cry. It all needs to come out. Every last bit.
I’m not allowed to bottle anything up anymore. I need to be at peace with everything. Stop stressing, stop getting so freaked out by everything, stop worrying endlessly about our futures. It’s time to stop keeping it all inside and it’s time to let everything out and start over. I need a clean slate. I know that a combination of things lead up to my breakdown earlier and none of it was Max’s fault. I can’t sit here and justify what I had done, so I won’t. But I do know every detail of why I finally broke down. And I think that’s the first step.
This is the face of a baby that just got up close and personal with a Labrador tongue. That’s why his hair is sticking up… 😆
My head is so full of thoughts. I just want to scream into my pillow and break something. It might make me feel better. My whole life is upside down, my mind is cluttered with thoughts and fears. I’m feeling that pressure again, like an anvil on my chest. Every time I think everything will be ok, there’s something else. On top of all the grown up stuff I’ve got terrible twos and teething. Slowly breaking down and I feel as though that’s what everyone wants. They want me to break down. Maybe I’d be easier to deal with if I was in pieces.
Never forget these moments. Soon I will blink, and he’ll be the same age as Max. Then I’ll blink again he will be starting school. I will forever cherish these peaceful moments with my babies.
These two boys.
They are the driving force. They fuel my life.
I love them so much. I can’t even begin to put those feelings into words.
There isn’t much (if anything at all) that I wouldn’t do for them. I’d break every bone in my body to keep them safe.
Before I had children, my life felt incomplete. All I ever wanted was a family. And while the whole nuclear family thing didn’t work out, at least I have my boys.
My two perfect boys.
I am so grateful for them.
Ok Zachary, srsly.